Web Vol. 1, No. 1 Doerner Dispatch April 1, 2023

Employee News

Congratulations to some employee for doing something. If the company still existed then there would be employees to write about. As it stands, the former employees are scattered to the four winds and I don't really know how to get in contact with any of them. I'm sure that they're all doing things worth mentioning, so let's pretend that I wrote a bunch of stuff here about that. Lots of them are probably on Facebook.

New Employees

Since going out of business in 2009, there have been no new hires. That hasn't changed this month, either.

Employee Birthdays

Since there are no current employees and I didn't keep a list of the birthdates of former employees (that would have been weird and I'm sure would have violated several laws). I have no idea when anyone's birthday is. If you have a birthday this month, then happy birthday. You can celebrate by buying something from my store.

Employee Anniversary Dates

Since nobody works here any more, anniversary dates are kind of meaningless. But I'm sure that if anyone had an anniversary date that happened in April that they'd get recognition here. And they'd also tell you that you should buy some merchandise from the store.

From Managers Meeting

I have no idea if the managers keep in touch or not, but we can pretend that they did. I never attended a managers' meeting, but I'd like to pretend that all of the managers met somewhere and ate a lot of food on the company's dime. I'd further imagine that they talked a lot, but didn't really say anything (it's the paradox of meetings where there are refreshments), and I'm pretending to be amazed at how much pizza someone can eat when someone else is paying for it.

From Road Meeting

It's Spring Break, and you know what that means, lots of kids are going to be bored for a week. I recommend getting them lots of basketballs, tennis rackets, baseball gloves, and high-profit-margin items like tape and prewrap. If you can't steer the customer to the high-profit-margin stuff, we'll take any sales we can get. As long as we stuff as much money as possible into the register I'm happy.

From Silk Screen

If the Silk Screen department still existed, I imagine that the update would go something like this: "The weather is heating up outside, and that means that all the free heat that we get is going to start being a liability instead of an asset. So if our output slows down a little bit over the next few weeks/months, it might be heat stroke, so please bear with us while we adjust."

Silk Screen printed 0 items in March. This marks 164 consecutive months of zero productivity. I should probably look into this.

From the office

The office is empty. This isn't true. There are people in the office, but it's for a different business with different owners that I haven't met and don't intend to. I imagine that if anyone that I know was still in the office that they would encourage you to sell as much stuff as possible and, in return, the company will provide attaboys*. *attaboys have no cash value and can not be redeemed for anything.


Since we're still out of business, profits have been down. There will be no profit sharing again this year.


If you want to contact me for some reason, you can send me an email. I no longer have access to any of the old phone numbers.